Loneliness is not very pleasant. But unfortunately, I spent almost the whole of last year like that. The ceilings of overseas bedrooms have made me feel absolutely fed up. Esports – it sounds interesting and prestigious. The woman in eSports- is still a bit outrageous. I knew that they would notice me, I knew that it would be difficult, but I did not know one simple thing. Yes, yes, I’m talking about loneliness.
If someone just hypothetically wanted to flirt with me, then I probably would not reciprocate. And who wants to get a bunch of gossip or disappointment in the future?
Also, conflicts that are generally a different story. If at least something even a bit resembling a conflict in social networks was starting, it was necessary to immediately resolve this.
Lack of production parts for my work, a shitty working week, and the producer throws out in my face “you’re an eyesore.” Thanks for all this! I got back to the hotel room (which, of course, does not feel like a sweet home) with worthless thoughts. I thought about whether they would call me to work now. Or even: «Do I need all this hell»?
Once the director of the eSports company demanded a personal meeting with me instead of the remote meeting that I had primarily requested. It was worth saying them to get lost immediately. But as always, I didn’t do it. It was necessary to do this already at the stage of messages through DMs instead of business mail.
I talked online about my thoughts, problems of women’s perception of e-sports, and my own experience, doubting whether I could do more. Being the only woman in this place, carefully choosing any word and being afraid to lose the battle, I presented the “future”. Just being yourself, being subjected to stereotypical criticism. After all, because of me – women, some men did not get a job.
I had power, strength in the gaming industry. As a Twitch producer, I had a problem. I was planning the show, and I wanted to feature four women and four men. What did I hear about this? Too many women! Can you imagine how difficult it was for me to remove the names of these women from the show? But I had to do it as a person who worked with UK Twitch Partners.
What is most terrible, later in the annual review, I read something that offends me even more. It said that I work a lot on issues of equality, and it is very exciting. However, I should remember that only the best people are worth hiring. To be honest. This employee tried to make sure that I did not get to the events that I actually was producing. He tried very hard to suppress my power and almost succeeded.
I am still trying hard to get a job. After all, the tournament organizer is not obliged to work with me again. And multiple contracts are rare things giving a sense of comfort and balance between work and leisure. No multiple contracts? In this case, vacation is a luxury getting in my way to the desired project. And now what? I’m in my hotel room; I wonder if everything was ok, what I was talking about, maybe joking stupidly? Did I have to say anything at all?
Once, a colleague said in an interview that I was talking about myself all the time – all my interviews were about myself reflecting my essence and that my personality for the camera was always under close attention. I got a new fear of being unprepared. I’m afraid to give arms to these creatures just waiting to pounce.
Nervous from the fact that the men were discussing me behind my back, I finally decided to leave the agency. At my previous work, Counter-Strike, everything was always calm; there was no place for sexual harassment. I thought for a long time about other women and the trauma they received. I wanted this to end.
Now everything is working out. Lockdown brought my team and me together, who are real friends to me. I accepted the fact that someone does not like my thoughts and ideas. But it is my right to express them. You know, now when I get words of support from every woman, I gain the strength to move on.